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雅思寫作題材解析及習作修改(二)
發布時間:2019年04月09日     作者:Tangweisheng  
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雅思寫作題材解析及習作修改(二)

——犯罪類

 

文/唐老雅

 

犯罪類話題是雅思寫作的常客,每年均出現3—4次,內容涉及犯罪的原因,懲罰方式及懲罰的效果,如何避免犯罪等,這類話題很多學生平時思考得比較少,因此不可等閑視之。縱觀近幾年雅思寫作,老雅將最常出現的犯罪類題材歸納為如下幾類:

 

1. 青少年犯罪,包括:(1)青少年犯罪的原因及其解決辦法;(2)青少年犯罪是否應該與成年人犯罪一樣得到懲罰;(3)青少年犯罪后是否該收監,或者有其他的懲罰形式?

 

2. 一般犯罪的原因,包括:(1)人們犯罪的原因是什么?(2)犯罪是環境使然還是天性使然?

 

3. 一般犯罪的解決辦法,包括:(1)犯罪能否避免?(2)避免犯罪,最好的辦法是將犯人收監還是對人們實施教育?(3)是否應該控制電影和電視里的暴力鏡頭?

 

4. 其他,比如:出獄后的犯人能否成為教育青少年避免犯罪的典范?

 

以下是雅思犯罪類題材的經典考題,供烤鴨們參考。

 

1. A 14-year-old young who seriously damaged school was made to clean streets as a punishment. Do you think young criminals should be sent to prison or there are alternative forms of punishment? (2016.1.14)

 

2. Young people who commit serious crimes, such as robbery or a violent attack should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (2015.04.25)

 

3. Some think most crime is the result of circumstances e.g. poverty and other social problems. Others believe that most crime is caused by people who are bad by nature. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. (2014.11.8)

 

4. The government should control the amount of violence in films and on television in order to decrease the violent crimes in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (2011.5.9)

 

5. In most countries, prison is an effective solution to the problem of crime. Some people think it is a more effective solution to provide education for those who violate the law. To what extent do you agree or disagree? (2012.5.12)

 

現在,唐老雅將提供一篇犯罪類的學生習作,并對其進行詳細修改。各位請先閱讀學生習作,看它的問題有多少也是自己的問題,然后結合唐老雅對它從6 分到7 分的修改,揣摩唐老雅在思路、論點、論據、語言等方面做了哪些調整。唐老雅認為,從錯誤修改中學習雅思寫作也許是最有效的。只要你緊跟唐老雅的步伐,期期閱讀《英語世界》接下來刊登的雅思系列修改作文,你會發現,你的雅思寫作水平不知不覺就提高了!比不惜重金到所謂名師那里學習的效果要好得多!不信,你可以試試。

 

題目

 

Nowadays many individuals in our society behave in an anti-social way such as committing crimes. What are the causes of this? Who should take responsibility for dealing with it?

 

學生習作

 

Nowadays, there is an increasing number of crime all over the world although the police have devoted to fighting crime for a long time. In the past, the criminals murdered, robbed and stole. However, they commit economic crime through the internet now. From my perspective, several reasons probably lead to the rising amount of crime. Simultaneously, a series of solutions can be used to solve the problems.

 

The first cause is that many games or programmes which contain plenty of violence are available on the Internet or on Television. For example, a game called Grand Theft Auto is about robbing cards or banks and players even can kill pedestrians who just talk with their friends. Such a bloody and violent game has not been banned by the global governments. As a result, it is not strange that so many teenagers become criminals just by mimicking the scene in the games or movies. Governments must strengthen the check of movies in order to reduce the opportunities that may motivate kids to commit a crime.

 

Secondly, people who are not well educated are more likely to commit a crime including robbing and stealing just for living. They have no choice but stealing because they do not learn a skill which can help them find jobs in the society. It is high time for government to take action and solve this problem. By publicizing the law through the media, people will be afraid of committing a crime. This is one part of the solution while the other part is teaching them skills to help them earn a living.

 

To sum up, I firmly believe that through these methods, the society will become more peaceful in the future.

 

評分:6

 

習作評論與修改

 

整體評價:總體來說,寫得比較通順。內容切題,原因分析有道理,而且論證也比較充分。句子寫作相當正確,詞匯也能表達自己的意思。影響得分的問題:(1)個別地方表達比較別扭,(2)個別地方的邏輯存在一定問題,(3)結尾過于倉促,沒有對前文進行恰當總結。

 

提高建議:(1)多練習如何結尾(如何總結前文要點,同時又不與第一段的表達重復);(2)繼續保持目前的句子寫作水平,在語法不錯、句意清楚的前提下盡量注意表達的地道程度(當然,這個過程不會一蹴而就的,需要慢慢積累)。若想沖擊7分段,需要積累更多語言表達手段。建議按照目前的寫作方式繼續練習,改正一些局部錯誤。沖擊7分段放在下一階段,不要盲目使用大詞或者長句子,寫錯了反而弄巧成拙。

 

1

 

Nowadays, there is an increasing number of crime all over the world although the police have devoted to fighting crime for a long time. In the past, the criminals murdered, robbed and stole. However, they commit economic crime through the internet now. From my perspective, several reasons probably lead to the rising amount of crime. Simultaneously, a series of solutions can be used to solve the problems.

【老雅修改】Nowadays, there is an increasing number of crime all over the world although the police have made greater efforts to fight crime. Now there are not only people who murder, rob or steal, but also people who commit economic crime online. There are, of course, many reasons for this negative development, but from my perspective, two of them are probably the most immediate ones. Accordingly, we can take measures to solve the problem.

【老雅評析】

(1)devote的正確用法是:devote oneself to doing... / be devoted to doing...,比如:

The government has devoted itself to solving the traffic problem.

The government has been devoted to solving the traffic problem.

(2)原文第二、三兩句是來論證第一句“世界上犯罪數量在增加”這個觀點的,語言上錯誤并不嚴重,但給人的感覺好像是在比較過去和現在有不同類型的犯罪,這顯然與前文脫節了。修改文刪除了原文中比較的意味,表達出現在犯罪的花樣越來越多,這就與第一句的觀點吻合了。

(3)原文several reasons是虛指,按照后文,僅提供了兩個原因,因此,這里要明確,就是兩個原因。在第一段結尾時,盡量明確,這樣全文的結構才能清楚。

(4)simultaneously是漢語的“同時”吧?但這里,其實就是“相應地”的意思,英文應該是accordingly。

 

2

 

The first cause is that many games or programmes which contain plenty of violence are available on the Internet or on Television. For example, a game called Grand Theft Auto is about robbing cards or banks and players even can kill pedestrians who just talk with their friends. Such a bloody and violent game has not been banned by the global governments. As a result, it is not strange that so many teenagers become criminals just by mimicking the scene in the games or movies. Governments must strengthen the check of movies in order to reduce the opportunities that may motivate kids to commit a crime.

【老雅修改】The first reason is that many computer games or movies containing violence are available on the Internet or television. For example, a game called Grand Theft Auto is about robbing cars or banks and the players even can kill pedestrians talking with their friends. Such a bloody and violent game has not been banned by the local governments. As a result, many teenagers become criminals just by mimicking the scenes in the games or movies. In this case, governments should be more responsible when censoring such games and movies in order to reduce the opportunities for kids to commit any crime.

【老雅評析】本段寫得比較成功,修改較小。其中,governments must strengthen the check of movies,表達不是很地道,修改為governments should be more responsible when censoring such games and movies.

 

3

 

Secondly, people who are not well educated are more likely to commit a crime including robbing and stealing just for living. They have no choice but stealing because they do not learn a skill which can help them find jobs in the society. It is high time for government to take action and solve this problem. By publicizing the law through the media, people will be afraid of committing a crime. This is one part of the solution while the other part is teaching them skills to help them earn a living.

【老雅修改】Secondly, people who have not received good education are more likely to commit a crime such as robbing and stealing just for a living. They have no choice because they do not learn a skill which can help them find jobs. For this kind of people, government ought to, one the one hand, tell them that anyone who commits crimes will be punished, and on the other hand create opportunities for them to learn some survival skills to earn a living.

【老雅評析】

(1) include是列舉完所有內容時使用,such as是舉例。比如:

There are three members in my family, including my dad, mom and me.

People commit all kinds of crimes such as stealing, robbing and murder.

(2)本段講教育程度低的人可能犯罪,但是原文提到的第一個建議居然是給這些人宣傳法律讓他們害怕犯罪,這個建議似乎不太符合邏輯,應該緊緊圍繞提高他們的教育水平,交給他們生存技能來提建議。這里的問題是思維邏輯方面的(雖然不算大錯誤,但可能會影響得分)。

(3)本段最后一句的表達不太地道。如果需要提出兩個方面的建議,可以使用we can do... on the one hand, and do...on the other hand這個句型結構。

 

4

 

To sum up, I firmly believe that through these methods, the society will become more peaceful in the future.

【老雅修改】To sum up, what is responsible for the increasing number of crimes includes the negative effects of violent movies and computer games as well as poverty. If government takes effective measures to change the situation, I firmly believe the world will become more peaceful in the future.

【老雅評析】原文結尾過于倉促,沒有對原文進行恰當的總結。也可以使用如下句型進行總結:

To sum up, the negative effects of violent movies and computer games as well as poverty contribute to the increasing number of crimes.

To sum up, the negative effects of violent movies and computer games as well as poverty are the two major factors behind the increasing number of crimes.

To sum up, the negative effects of violent movies and computer games as well as poverty are the two reasons why there are more and more crimes today.

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